Down to the River - Bottom of the River
by Snowbarryholdsmyheart
Summary: After the regeneration at Trenzalore, The Doctor finds himself lost. It's like a darkness surrounds hims at he can;t escape. But will he sink to the bottom, or float upon a river of evils? One-Shot. Post Time of the Doctor.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who, any of the songs in the fic or anything but the plot. **

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><p><em>Too many lives have been broken<em>  
><em>There's too much blood on my hands<em>  
><em>There ain't no water in this world could turn me back into an innocent man<em>

_- Down to the River by Brown Bird_

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><p>He could feel the rage settle in his hearts. Maybe after so many years of killing, and leading friends and enemies alike to their deaths, has caused him to snap and gain the thoughts of feral behaviors. The Great Intelligence had called him The Beast which was a fitting title. It was one that reflected of how far he had come in the universe.<p>

Peace talks and nonviolent schemes would no longer be his calling cards. If he did in fact he had a sliver of ice in his hearts, it had surely spread and frozen both in this incarnation. It gripped him tight and shifted how he saw the universe and how it saw him. To many he was still a protector but those more aware saw him as wanted any excuse to reveal the ice and allow it to harden.

The darkness wasn't new to him. After the Ponds departure in his last life, it had made its way back to the surface for a while. As he went through his regenerations, it became stronger. The Warrior, who rejected the name Doctor, was consumed by it who without Clara and two other Doctors would have let billions of people burn to end a war. The skinny, tight suited version of himself had allowed it to flare when he was without another person. His previous form, as the last person in a Time-Lords life cycle held the darkest personality of the regenerations. From his beginning, he was willing to commit genocide in revenge or as he justified it, what was necessary.

But this girl, his Impossible Girl, made him want to push it back inside. The way her hair was a perfect shade of brown along with her eyes, and her smile that made him believe in the universe again. And so he did. She was perfect for him in every way, and he had come to love her, even if she didn't feel the same way. But she was also a puzzle for him to solve, and to, at first, keep him occupied. But even with this, the darkness would fester again with the cyber invasion.

That was a glorious day, when the beast inside was not restricted. He could have had her in any way he wanted, but he chose to play with her so in the case that the other side would win, things would change between them. He was serious though about her tight little skirts. But he wouldn't admit that was one of the primal reasons he enjoyed her company. In this, his darkness held all the cards. But at the end of the battle, of course, she was still a guiding light for a once pure soul.

When he met the past versions of himself due to The Moment, it took all the girls might to change his past. He would never tell her, at least in his last life, but he enjoyed punishing his kind. The ones that rejected him and would only observe the evils in the universe, while not fight them. His race was corrupt and a stain on his name, title and his personal history. The war was a perfect excuse his true nature and purge what was wrong with The Lords of Time, which was everything but him.

That brought a rage of flame of anger to him. It was her who made all the versions of him help the dying world. Even this body fell to the pleas and her charm. That fact would drive his anger for centuries. Now, these beings existed somewhere in the universe and he could not stand for it. Maybe he needed to rebuild the race and their society.

But that would limit himself, and the darkness he could tap into. No he needed to be alone and let the suffering well inside of him until it broke and takes a piece of all of time and space with it. That would please his desires. To feel the rush of others suffering in his wake. He had always enjoyed it like a fine drink, no matter how much he had appeared to hidden the cravings. The only one who had truly seen it was The Master, and now he was dead. Davros was close though.

He didn't enjoy turning others to weapons but rather he enjoyed them as _casualties_.

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><p><em>'Was this was Clara experienced?'<em>

It was as if he was drowning in himself. A darkness that he had always tried to battle, to diminish in the light of his saving people. He thought that if he did what the universe asked him to do, it would return the favor with keeping the darkness at bay.

But every time, he was proven wrong.

It just seem to fester and grow as he wandered the whole of reality, aging into what many though of as an immortal being.

_A God, one that was vengeful, with no compassion._

_An Angel, of death, with no mercy._

_A Beast, snarling at existence, with no hope or love._

No matter what planet, or civilization, or being he swore to protect, the darkness also returned. And now, as the clock had finished striking twelve, with the end of the eleventh hour it would grow more than anyone could control. Not even the universe could protect itself against this creature.

But not was all lost. If one person could do anything to save him, Clara would think of it. She had been, to his previous self, a light that burned brighter than any sun, any supernova. No other being had ever shone nearly as bright as she did to him. The brightest light about her was the way she was just ordinary. Not a trick, not a trap, just a girl from Earth, so selfless, she scattered herself for an old man who had been washed in the blood of innocents.

And he knew he could never taint her. That's why he forced her from Trenzalore on those final days. He was so soaked with the sins of his past and what was to come. He didn't want her to become a weapon. Davros was right about him. He did fashion people to weapons. But Clara was different. She fashioned him into a Doctor again.

After the Time War, he was a broken man, who thought he had killed him own kind. But it was The Impossible Girl who allowed him to rewrite time and change the solution. She reminded him of that promise, of the vow he made so many years ago, and so many faces had struggled to abide by. It was because he was The Doctor, the man who made people better. And she taught him that he could make himself better. He would never know what power Clara held to show him how to wash the blood of the children of Gallifrey off his hands.

Instead of being a ruthless killer of his own kind, he gave them hope, the thing The Time Lords needed. But he knew he would have to help rebuild the society of his people, one where the did not allow children to cry across the universe. One where they would help where they could. To protect those who can't protect themselves from the darkness that lurked in the corners of time and space.

And possible to have someone protect the universe, and more importantly Clara, from the beast within. That one that grew stronger each moment.

_The budding shadows began to bloom into the flower of carnage._

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><p>The pathetic piece of him from the previous cycle would not quiet down and die. He found strength in his heart, and in the heart of Clara Oswald. If she was the reason the other part of him fought so be it. He would smash her and destroy the will of <em>The Doctor<em> to live.

He needed to have control. For the last two-thousand years, they had tried The Doctor's way but it had ultimately failed. The Laws of Time had been broken, things had been changed, The Time Lords had been saved! That was one of the greatest sins The Doctor had ever committed and it could not go unpunished. At least Clara had gotten them to grant him extra lives to right the wrongs of his predecessors. This new Time Lord would help those who deserved it while obeying the Laws of Time.

And when he traveled across a fixed point, he would leave it and assure that it went as it had to. Just as it was intended for his people to do. He was not created to break the Laws given to him, but to enforce them. That was what it meant to be a Time Lord. He also knew it was wrong to just sit and watch the universe suffer as those before him did. He would not allow that.

When he broke The Doctor, he would then take Clara for himself, and extinguish the light she shone. It would become a darkness that drove fear into the hearts of billions. And with her, they would rebuild the Time Lords, and Gallifrey. Starting with the destruction of all of those who were mature on the current Time Lord home. He would ensure the two shall travel into darkness.

And would it be glorious.

_The exterior light can always defeat the inner darkness, if the inner light can accept the darkness and its purpose. The two are in balance for a reason and it shall be revealed._

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><p>He knew he couldn't destroy his other self. The reason he was in this situation is because he tried to bury, to hide from himself. He had to accept that he had darkness in him, but as long as he had Clara, and his other friends, he could balance the dark and light. The two could exist together and when they did, it would create a stronger Doctor, one who could help more and fight cruel evils at a more rigorous rate.<p>

And Clara, only Clara, would be able to keep the balance exact. A little fact he had discovered about her was she would not age for a very long time, due to being exposed to his time-stream. Her life was tied to his and as long as he lived she would. As he was the dark, she was the light. They existed in their one balance, and he was glad it was her that shared the bond.

At some point he would have to let her know about the two and their bond. He wasn't sure if she would leave him and that would break his hearts. And even if his other side wouldn't admit it, he would miss her too.

But that truth would last for a life time. It would set him free and allow her to be an _equal_.

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><p>All he knows is that he was still sinking in this river of darkness and if Clara held his hand all the way down, he could live with the process. She was the single most precious thing to him. The stories the Greeks of Earth had, of humans being incomplete was the case with him. Without her, he was only half a being. Not even the Tardis could fill the hole Clara left in him.<p>

But it was his weakness, it was his strength. He didn't need to be alone, he was for so long, and he suffered greatly because of it. What he needed was someone else. To share victories with, and to protect, to rely on. And that was what Clara was to him. He would never dare to say it but he had come to _love_ her. More than Rose, than River, than Sarah Jane.

And it was funny that the only tie the two sides of The Doctor had was a love for the mousy brown haired girl. She could be the one to unite them once and for all.

_Corrupting a soul is easy. The challenge is in changing and repairing the soul. _

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><p>Since his regeneration at Trenzalore, Clara could tell that The Doctor was different. It was as if he had splintered into two different people. She saw her Doctor some days in those eyes. They were big and sad. The way she liked them. While other days she saw odd emotions in them. Things like rage, and lust. Emotions that made her fear who this man was.<p>

She knew he changed. She knew he had that sliver of ice in his heart. She had almost seen him butcher billions of children. But as his companion, his friend, his more, she could not allow him to suffer that burden a second time. Just as she did not want him to suffer alone on Trenzalore, even if it meant her death. But a part of her knew she wouldn't die. As long as The Doctor lived, she could not die. They were bonded in a way she couldn't explain.

When they were near each other, something inside her pulled. It was the reason she could accept all the gestures of his from the start. The hand holding, hugs, kisses on the forehead, everything. It was the reason why she had been so heart broken when he sent her away. She felt physical broken when the were separated. For her, it had only been mere minutes.

For him it had been hundreds of years. And she knew that in part, is what forced him to age so much and to lose his mind the way he did. The bond was two ways. And now, the feeling of his warmth was almost gone in this new Doctor.

He was not entirely her Doctor and she knew if hers was to sink to the bottom of darkness, she would reach and try to pull him out.

_For she loved The Doctor, and even if he wouldn't say so himself, she knew he lover her in the same way. So if he couldn't escape what plagued him, she would help ease the burden and suffer the same sins. _

And if she failed, she would hold his hand the entire way down. To the bottom of the river of _darkness_.

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><p><em>Hold my hand<em>  
><em>Ooh, baby, it's a long way down to the bottom of the river<em>

_-Bottom of the River by Delta Rae_

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><p><strong>Authors Note: So I've been toying with this since I heard the first song. I see this as a look into the a possible outcome of the Time Lords granting The Doctor a new life cycle. I hope you enjoy and always, please read and review!<strong>


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